i m nt sure wat hapned to me

Life is painful. Life is sometimes too painful. And just when you think you are making headway, coming to a more stable, more hopeful place. There is a new, even more devastating anguish waiting right around the corner. I have gotten to the point where what was innocent, hopeful, energetic, and excited in me seems to have just disappeared. That youthful person, that dreamer who believed anything was possible. That young girl who so looked forward to her first love, open to the experience, no boundaries. Then I loved fully, totally, completely. Then I was like a different person. Life was still new, there was still much to be learned. I thought hard work is all it took to accomplish my goals. If I wanted to be thin, I could be. If I wanted to be an athlete, I could be. If I wanted to be an A student, I could be. I could love, I could...But what about now? I have lost a part of myself. I don't trust as easily, I am more guarded now. I haven't loved or been loved in a long time. I miss it but I am not that person anymore. Life has just run me over too many times. How many times can you be knocked out before you just stay down to avoid the blows? I don't like myself very much anymore. What do I have to offer? What do I even want? I have lost my beauty, my confidence. I have lost something important, but is it really gone or hibernating somewhere deep where I cannot reach it? Who am I? What do I want? What makes me worthy of love? Where is my joy, my heart, my empathy, my understanding? I have gone numb. I am all numb to those most cherished parts of myself. I don't want to be numb anymore. I want to experience life without limitations. I want to feel again. How can I do that? That's the question.