I have been doing the hard work of facing myself...God has called me to give up a lot of things, things that keep me occupied, things that keep me distracted, things that keep me from having to face myself. And I have given those things up...and now there is nothing to keep me from looking deep and feeling much. There is a lot of stuff that has been lingering beneath the surface, and now it is all bubbling up! I am so sad! So so sad... Sad about the things that have happened in my life and the lives of the people around me. I am so so sad about how hard life is for us here on the earth. So much pain I wanted to push down and forget about, but it did not go away. I was just avoiding it, not dealing with it. Now I am looking at it, and I am a mess over it all. God, why are things so hard here on earth? People so hurt and lonely?! Why must it be this way? So much pain? I cannot see how it all works together for good! From down here, it is as clear as mud. Faith is a tall order when what we see doesn't match what you teach. I don't understand it, I just don't. You tell me I must trust you, because you can see and I cannot. But where is the fruit? The fruit of all our hoping, faith, trusting.... I don't see the results of it. When we face many disappointments, I cannot help but ask "where is that blessing, that goodness, not just being stored up in Heaven but being poured out here on earth?" Am I missing something? I don't understand, and trusting without understanding is really, really hard sometimes! Like today, when I feel so sick in my soul. You tell me that you have got me covered, that I don't need to worry. That you have always had me covered, always. You say, "Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don't depend on your own understanding" You say, "Don't depend on your own wisdom. Respect the Lord and refuse to do wrong" Your word says, "God has given them a desire to know the future. He does everything just right and on time, but people can never completely understand what he is doing. So I realize that the best thing for them is to be happy and enjoy themselves as long as they live. God wants all people to eat and drink and be happy in their work, which are gifts from God" . Lord, I do want so much to know the future, to understand what it is all about, to have peace about what I have seen, what has and has not happened, and where this all is going. But I can't know and I don't understand! And, no, right now, I am not happy either! I am not at peace, not content at all! I know, I am being attacked by the enemy. He wants me to doubt, to turn away, to take steps back and stop taking all these steps forward! He doesn't want me to be happy to trust you. He wants me to be angry, and sad, and miserable about what I see in the world. That is what he wants. You want me to know that I can trust you. I can trust your word. I can have your victory...even when I can't see how it is all going to work out. Even when I am feeling pain from living here... Your word says, "Fig trees may not grow figs, and there may be no grapes on the vines. There may be no olives growing and no food growing in the fields. There may be no sheep in the pens and no cattle in the barns. But I will still be glad in the Lord; I will rejoice in God my Savior. The Lord God is my strength. He makes me like a deer that does not stumble so I can walk on the steep mountains" . So, even though I see no blessing, no fruit around me, I am to praise you and be glad in you anyways! That is a tall order! A very tall order. This is not what I feel like doing! I feel like crawling under a rock and escaping from this world. But feelings can be deceiving. Either you are who you say you are or you are not. And faith is choosing to believe that you are who you say you are. That you are the truth, the way, and the life. That no one can come to the Father except through you. So, I should not trust my feelings. I should just trust you, even though, based on what I see, that really doesn't make any sense at all. But Lord, I need you! I need you to be who you say you are. I need to trust you! The alternative is too terrible! So, I choose to follow you. I choose to follow you when it is hard, and it hurts, and I don't understand. I choose to believe what you say over what I feel. Lord, help me to walk in your victory, in your peace. Help me to win these battles where the enemy tries to defeat me. Help me to trust you more than I trust myself. More than I trust what I see! Help me to trust you more and more and more and more!
1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.
1
[b] As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
4 These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among th
No comments:
Post a Comment