have faith in god

I have been doing the hard work of facing myself...God has called me to give up a lot of things, things that keep me occupied, things that keep me distracted, things that keep me from having to face myself. And I have given those things up...and now there is nothing to keep me from looking deep and feeling much. There is a lot of stuff that has been lingering beneath the surface, and now it is all bubbling up! I am so sad! So so sad... Sad about the things that have happened in my life and the lives of the people around me. I am so so sad about how hard life is for us here on the earth. So much pain I wanted to push down and forget about, but it did not go away. I was just avoiding it, not dealing with it. Now I am looking at it, and I am a mess over it all. God, why are things so hard here on earth? People so hurt and lonely?! Why must it be this way? So much pain? I cannot see how it all works together for good! From down here, it is as clear as mud. Faith is a tall order when what we see doesn't match what you teach. I don't understand it, I just don't. You tell me I must trust you, because you can see and I cannot. But where is the fruit? The fruit of all our hoping, faith, trusting.... I don't see the results of it. When we face many disappointments, I cannot help but ask "where is that blessing, that goodness, not just being stored up in Heaven but being poured out here on earth?" Am I missing something? I don't understand, and trusting without understanding is really, really hard sometimes! Like today, when I feel so sick in my soul. You tell me that you have got me covered, that I don't need to worry. That you have always had me covered, always. You say, "Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don't depend on your own understanding" You say, "Don't depend on your own wisdom. Respect the Lord and refuse to do wrong" Your word says, "God has given them a desire to know the future. He does everything just right and on time, but people can never completely understand what he is doing. So I realize that the best thing for them is to be happy and enjoy themselves as long as they live. God wants all people to eat and drink and be happy in their work, which are gifts from God" . Lord, I do want so much to know the future, to understand what it is all about, to have peace about what I have seen, what has and has not happened, and where this all is going. But I can't know and I don't understand! And, no, right now, I am not happy either! I am not at peace, not content at all! I know, I am being attacked by the enemy. He wants me to doubt, to turn away, to take steps back and stop taking all these steps forward! He doesn't want me to be happy to trust you. He wants me to be angry, and sad, and miserable about what I see in the world. That is what he wants. You want me to know that I can trust you. I can trust your word. I can have your victory...even when I can't see how it is all going to work out. Even when I am feeling pain from living here... Your word says, "Fig trees may not grow figs, and there may be no grapes on the vines. There may be no olives growing and no food growing in the fields. There may be no sheep in the pens and no cattle in the barns. But I will still be glad in the Lord; I will rejoice in God my Savior. The Lord God is my strength. He makes me like a deer that does not stumble so I can walk on the steep mountains" . So, even though I see no blessing, no fruit around me, I am to praise you and be glad in you anyways! That is a tall order! A very tall order. This is not what I feel like doing! I feel like crawling under a rock and escaping from this world. But feelings can be deceiving. Either you are who you say you are or you are not. And faith is choosing to believe that you are who you say you are. That you are the truth, the way, and the life. That no one can come to the Father except through you. So, I should not trust my feelings. I should just trust you, even though, based on what I see, that really doesn't make any sense at all. But Lord, I need you! I need you to be who you say you are. I need to trust you! The alternative is too terrible! So, I choose to follow you. I choose to follow you when it is hard, and it hurts, and I don't understand. I choose to believe what you say over what I feel. Lord, help me to walk in your victory, in your peace. Help me to win these battles where the enemy tries to defeat me. Help me to trust you more than I trust myself. More than I trust what I see! Help me to trust you more and more and more and more!


1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

1
[b] As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
4 These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among th

cant understand what is happening to me

hey good news is that it looks like I will pass my class if all goes as planned, praise God! The bad news is I have reached that level of exhaustion where your body starts going whacky. Things I am noticing...I am super sensitive to smells! Right now the smell of my cooking is making me feel sick (and it tasted good). Yesterday, I had to put my scented candle in a drawer because it was giving me a headache. My stomach refuses to digest things. I have lost my appetite, but need to eat to stay awake. I don't want to do anything and I don't want to do nothing either! I want to exercise, but I don't. I want to swim, but I don't, I want to watch a movie, but I don't, I want to eat, but I don't. You get the idea. I'm all uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel restless, I know it is because I am stressed from just being tired for too long, but now I don't even feel sleepy anymore. My body is just confused! It doesn't know if it is hungry or full, sleepy or awake, it just is giving me mixed messages! I am looking forward to sleeping tonight and just getting up whenever! I'm sure tomorrow I will feel much better!

when saddness comes

When sadness comes, I say, “You are not welcome here! When sadness comes it wants to stay, I say, “You are not welcome here! You are not welcome here and yet you stay on, long past your due. You are not welcome here. But since you’ve come, I will learn to live with you. You follow me to the doctor’s office. You are not welcome here. And you are my bedfellow at night. You are not welcome here. You greet me when I wake. You are not welcome here. You are not welcome here. Every time I make you leave, you come knocking once again. You are not welcome here. You come with me in the car, you follow me to the store. You are not welcome here. Get out of my house, stay away from my heart. You are not allowed to speak to me anymore! Get out sadness, out I say. Get out of this body. Go away! Still, he comes and he goes, an unwanted friend. One that nobody wants, but on whom you can always depend. To show up at your door when the going gets tough and you don’t know what to do anymore. I am sick, this body is hurting. I am sick and yet my world keeps turning. If I must be sick in body, then in spirit I want joy. But the sadness has come again to destroy. To destroy the joy I can enjoy everyday, in little moments if I can get away. From the future, worries, and uncertainties. Will I get well or be taken over by disease? I wonder, I wonder but no answers near. I wish all this knowing could just disappear. Ignorance would be bliss, I say. But I know far too much to ever live that way. Dare I dream for a better life? Dare I dream to be husband and wife? Dare I dream, or are these nightmares? Dare I think at all when despair. Comes a knocking, knocking at my door. He lets himself in, I don’t want you anymore. Get out I say, but he settles right in. I don’t dare to dream until you are gone again. My head fills with darkness, doom and despair. I don’t want to imagine living there. I know you will leave, as you always do. Because nothing is permanent in this world it’s true. The bad times will fade along with the good. Our complexion will change with age as it should. We will grow from baby to child to mom to grandma to great ma to heavenly child of God. Where do we belong? Where do I fit in? What hope do I have to offer within? I know I am strong, surviving for so long, in difficult difficult days, years, and so on. Through many dark times I have emerged, still alive, still a girl. Unscathed? unfortunately that’s hard to say. I know I am changed and will be always. I need to enjoy the joy in my life. I know it is there in the midst of the strife. A baby smiles and waves to me. I teach a young boy how to do something. A smile exchanged with a stranger as I go. A word of encouragement I offer in the midst of my pain. I don’t want to let this sickness rob me again. I need to go before the one, the one who makes it makes sense when it makes sense to no one. I love you, he tells me. You are my beloved. You are perfect he tells me and I'll raise you above it. Just trust me he tells me, it will work out for the best. Have peace my child, lay your worries to rest. You are a part of an intricate plan. You were formed in the palms of my hands. You are so lovely, in every way. You are my child, I’ll be with you always. I know you are hurting, I feel it too. I love you so deeply I live within you. You are never alone, and there is hope always in store. Even if you cannot see how things will work anymore. I have got it worked out so just you hold on. Enjoy what you can, view the beauty in the dawn. I made it for you so that you would know. How much you mean to me, you are my heart, my soul. So, I head to the church to hear my father speak. And if I let him, he brings me relief. So, goodbye to you sadness, goodbye for now. Goodbye my bedfellow and life partner somehow. I don’t want to see you but tomorrow you’ll come. So I’ll see you tomorrow. I see you tonight. I am waiting for you to once again leave my life. I’m tired of you sticking around for so long. Goodbye sadness, goodbye sickness, goodbye to it all.